By Democratic Dave
California has been absolutely killing it with ridiculous laws lately, but this one takes the cake. I keep alluding to the new California law that makes it illegal to deny that humans affect the climate and I thought that was crazy. But no, they went ahead and banned cow farts.
Dick move. Imagine if the government told you that you couldn’t fart. Luckily we have the 8th amendment to protect us from cruel and unusual punishment; it’s just too bad the constitution doesn’t apply to cows. Although, apparently, in California, it doesn’t apply to people either, since the aforementioned climate denier law directly violates the first amendment. But, as the legendary California philosopher, Tupac Shakur once said, “fuck the law”
Let’s take a moment to break down the logistics of the ever-essential cow fart law. The more you dig into the process, the more ridiculous it gets. You don’t just have a maniacal governor waving his golden scepter of flatulence making absurd laws, there’s actually a legislative process to banning cow farts. The cow fart law first had to be a cow fart bill, drawn up by either one of 40 state senators or one of 53 California state representatives. An identical cow fart bill is then presented to both houses (house of representatives and the senate) where they vote. The bill can pass with a majority vote and it must pass in both houses. That means that at least 27 representatives and 21 senators had to agree that banning cow farts was not only sane, but practical enough to enforce. Then it has to go to the governor to either sign or veto. Of course he signed it, because California is bananaland. Stay far away from California, it’s a dangerously silly place.
The whole “cow fart dissolving the ozone layer” theory is just that; a theory. There are scientists on both sides who argue for and against the validity of this claim. Why can’t they get together and ban something that actually affects humans negatively? Like, poison ivy. Nobody’s arguing that poison ivy doesn’t fuck shit up. Ban that. Cow farts never directly hurt anyone. Poison ivy destroys people. Or what about thorns? Nobody likes thorns. That’d be a slam dunk. How do you even enforce a cow fart ban, by the way? Are they going to fine the cows? Do they get fart rations? And what would the rations be? What’s a reasonable amount of farts to allow a cow? 2 a day? Is 2 cow farts a day less damaging than 4? Do the cows even get a say? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. These are all questions that the California congressmen and women should have asked. They didn’t ask any questions. They just banged their drooling faces off their desks and signed away. We’re surrounded by idiots. All day, everyday we encounter dozens upon dozens of idiots and there’s nothing we can do about it. The only thing we can try to do is do our best not to elect them into office. Having elected idiots making laws would be a disaster wouldn’t it? Just ask California.